Long read: ‘Humans need solitude’: How being alone can make you happier

Many of us in Marcellus are geeks at heart and enjoy being by ourselves. For much of our lives we were told that there is something wrong with that, that we have to network, socialize, get to know people, go out more, make friends, etc. Now, all of a sudden however, solitude has become cool. Says Flora Tsapovsky:

“In the past couple of years, several titles on the topic have been released, with a few more in the works. Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone, and Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own hit the shelves in 2024, and Nicola Slawson’s Single: Living a Complete Life on Your Own Terms was published in February. Then last month saw the release of Emma Gannon’s much-anticipated novel Table For One; having made her name with non-fiction books questioning traditional ideas of success and productivity, Gannon is now reconsidering modern relationships, in a love story focusing on a young woman finding joy in being alone, rather than with a partner.”

Just to be clear though, there is a difference between solitude and loneliness. Ms Tsapovsky quotes Robert Coplan, a professor in psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa and author of ‘The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World’:

“The distinction between loneliness and solitude, according to Coplan, is an important one, and many writers echo this sentiment. “While loneliness is a serious and harmful problem for some people, it is a subjective state very different from solitude, that someone has [actively] chosen for positive reasons,” says journalist Heather Hansen….

“I have a theory that since the pandemic we’ve been able to clearly understand the difference between loneliness and chosen solitude,” says Emma Gannon, who is also a big proponent of “slow living”. The extremes of the pandemic – being cooped up with all your loved ones, or, contrastingly, going for months without human contact – had prepared us, Gannon says, “to have nuanced conversations about the differences between isolation and joyful alone time”.”

As solitude’s stock rises, it has profound social implications including youngsters preferring not to marry: “According to a 2023 US survey, two out of five Gen Z-ers and millennials think marriage is an outdated tradition, and in the UK only just over half of Gen Z men and women are predicted to marry, according to the Office of National Statistics… this fueling a cultural shift towards the acceptance of single people, and putting a focus on “freedom and independence, and especially a rejection of domesticity, as women are realizing they don’t have to put up with things they might have been expected to in previous generations”.”

Ms Tsapovsky goes on to quote Daniel Schreiber’s author of ‘Alone: Reflections on Solitary Living’:

“Daniel Schreiber believes the correlation between people living alone, sans partner, and being lonely has traditionally been overestimated. “Society understands better now that romantic love is not the only model to live by, or something to wish for,” he adds. “There are different ways of life, and it’s not as necessary to be in a traditional romantic relationship.””

Ms Tsapovksy then follows this line of thought into even more provocative territory which will send a shudder down the spine of conservatives around the world:

“In Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own, Peter McGraw, a self-titled “bachelor”, and professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Colorado, makes a similar point, with gusto. “There’s a lot of mythology around single living, and a failure to understand the reasons marriage was invented – mostly as a business arrangement,” he says. “Frankly, the message of rom-coms, love songs and Jane Austen novels” – that we need a partner to be fulfilled – “isn’t backed by data,” he says, “if we look at the longitudinal data”: many studies cited in Solo show that even if personal happiness spikes around marriage, it doesn’t last.”

Peter McGraw says that as living alone becomes the norm, we will discover new ways of living happy, meaningful lives by ourselves rather than just lying on the couch, watching the IPL and order food on Swiggy-Zomato. An ‘alternate’ pattern of living is emerging:

“…alone time is full of potential and possibilities. “I think solitude inspires a wonderful sense of creativity, it gets the juices flowing and encourages problem solving,” Gannon says. She suggests treating solitude as an adventure – or a chance to reconnect with yourself, through journaling or reveling in your senses: “The soft blanket, the sound of music, the taste of your food. What can you see, smell, touch and sense when you are alone?”.

Further turning inward, says Zak, can deepen one’s understanding of solitude; she suggests paying attention to moments of solitude, and turning these moments into recurring rituals that aid relaxation and reflection by practice. “Ask yourself, what is the thing that you most enjoy being alone with? Make a jewel of the moment you choose and give yourself the task to cherish this specific space more and more,” she says.

And most importantly, if obviously? It’s about mixing things up. “Humans do need social interaction – but I would also say that humans need solitude,” says Coplan. “It’s finding the right balance that is the key to happiness and wellbeing. Everyone has a different balance that’s going to work for them.””